In This Shirt
by ejchronicles
Summary: As the sun begins to set and April crawls to an end, I am left to contemplate what life has left for me. Once I drift away from a person so often called home, away from someone loved so strongly, away from our experiences that shined so bright in the grim hours of wearisome days... [CURRENTLY ON HIATUS]
1. Chapter 1

**Hey, so this is my first story. I decided to start with a small piece of it just to test the waters and see if anyone even reads it. For some background on timeline: this is set four years after the first movie's events. I'm omitting the** _ **Pitch Perfect 2**_ **storyline just because it doesn't fit well with the direction I have the characters going in. So in clarification, everyone has graduated from Barden at this point. Also, in this story Chloe graduated on time with Aubrey and Aubrey didn't run that retreat. Instead, Aubrey is a resident at a hospital and Chloe opened her own dance studio. (The other characters happenings will unfold with the story, particularly Beca's and Stacie's, though obviously other characters will be appearing)**

As the sun begins to set and April crawls to an end, I am left to contemplate what life has left for me. Once I drift away from a person so often called home, away from someone loved so strongly, away from our experiences that shined so bright in the grim hours of wearisome days. What I have remaining is a feeling so suffocating all in one, final sigh… It takes my breath away in the worst ways imaginable.

To say the simple words "goodbye" seems beyond an ignoble task to someone who has come to mean so much to my life, who has come to mean _everything_ to my life. There's a quote I remember discussing in my lit class, "With him, life was routine; without him, life was unbearable." I think that sums up my relationship to her nicely. Predictable, but undeniably ourselves. A presence that will be missed in each and every way.

The day has arrived. Our one, final sigh together. It feels like time has been moving in all directions at full speed in order to collide in an explosion of _something_. Something beyond existential in representation of... us. Of the people we've transformed into. And I can't help but feel an ache that it's not enough. It will never been enough. Because with all the change these two years have brought me, I am still so lost. A missing piece of me lingers in my heart. _She_ lingers in my heart.

So that's why I'm here, staring at freshly laid soil with an impossibly small sign sticking out reading five simple letters back at me.

A name.

 _Her_ name.

Somehow, they've reduced her to nothing but those five damn letters. If only the people burying her into that ground knew who they were sealing away, that they were sealing _her_ away. Because she's gone. Stolen from my world without any explanation as to why.

So I wonder away to her to her warmth, to her intimacy, to her light. To every ounce of her love that she shared in the hopes of resurrecting what is now so far out of reach. I burn my mind into those five letters until I've set them aflame and underneath it she emerges. There she is. All in her angelic glory. And for a little while, I am home.

That smile. Her smile. It's as vibrant as the colors that paint the sky in every sunrise happening all at once. The warmth that spreads over my entire being comes slowly at first. Then, in mere moments, it doesn't stop until it's wrapped my heart in such a gentle embrace and it won't let go until I'm reaching back, holding it close, begging it never to leave. Begging _her_ to never leave.

I look up into her eyes. The sounds of the whole world melt away in an instant. Suddenly I'm bursting through the surface of the ocean. At first, it's terrifying. But she tells me I only need to open my eyes and see the lost city hiding underneath. I stare and find more intricate details with each passing movement. I learn about it in such intimate ways, it's history, it's people, it's influences, everything. I learn about _her_ in every way.

I reach out to feel her. Touching her is... It isn't simply a feeling. It's a sensation. The tips of my fingers brush across her face so delicately. The cold of me finding even the most microscopic of impact with the warmth that is her ignites light inside my every nerve. She is the electricity that sparks me to life. It's almost as if I'm not even living without her. I am simply existing and she is what makes me whole. A puzzle that no one else could master, but she put all the pieces together the second our hands touched when I met her.

"Chlo, we should probably get going soon. Everyone's heading to the reception."

That familiar voice starts pulling me back to this disgusting excuse of reality. And here I am standing before those five letters again and all those feelings rush away from me. I feel nothing. There is no warmth, there is no intimacy, there is no light.

There's a part of me that wants to respond, that wants to open up. But that's the old me. The happy me. The me that had _her_. So instead, I allow the emptiness to take over. I let the words sit in my mind, neatly tucked away into another compartment on the shelves I've slowly built since she's been gone. I just continue to stare at those detached five letters below me.

"Chloe?"

I hear the crunch of leaves breaking as a hand wraps around my shoulder firmly. The skin feels… wrong against mine. Dull. Cold. Rough. It's my crashing slap back into reality, one I can no longer ignore. One that has me tearing my gaze away from the five letters that the love of my life has been diminished to and up to my supportive best friend's. Her tear stained cheeks and glassy eyes dig deep into my heart. But my mind has shut down, locked out every ability to show emotion of any kind. So I just stare at her with nothing. I say nothing.

"We can visit her tomorrow, alright?" Her voice is so raw. Thick with emotion so layered, it doesn't even sound like the person I've come to know these past five years.

"We can visit her every day. I promise."

She removes her hand from my shoulder, filling the vacant space of my hand with hers. She tries to smile, but instead an unshed tear finally cascades down her face. It's the ultimate trigger that makes her look away from me.

She tugs my hand and pulls me away. Away from _her_. Away from that freshly laid soil. Away from my home. Away from those five letters.

 _Posen._


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys. Thanks to everyone that's followed or favorited the story! It means a lot to me. So the chapters are going to be longer now. The pace might seem slow at first but things will pick up as more is explained. This chapter is just to push along more of Chloe's mindset and explain some of the past but next will open up more about the other characters. There will also be flashbacks emphasized with italics. Hope you enjoy!**

The overwhelming noises hit me like a car colliding on impact in a crash. It's so sudden and unexpected, I have to stop all together to focus myself on the scene splayed in front of me. People. Dozens of people dressed in melancholy colors sitting, standing, talking, crying, walking around… It's the most alive the world has felt to me since I lost _her_. They taunt me with their energy to even exist so smoothly right now. Their lives are progressing, moving forward already, even after everything that's happened.

"Let's go sit outside with Stacie and Emmett."

 _Beca._

There she is again. Throwing me out of the comfort of my thoughts, back into reality. Keeping me from wandering into a world with only _her_. I feel Beca ripping through my barriers I'm building up inside me, tearing apart the contents and dissecting each and every detail in such a way that leaves me feeling naked and vulnerable, with nothing to hide behind. She sees the familiarity of my actions, the walls she once built for herself over the years. The same walls I chipped away at to find the true person underneath. But she does nothing to alleviate the suffering she finds behind them because I also see helplessness in those eyes looking at me right now. Because she's hurting, too.

So all she does is gently tug my hand, the one she'd never wound up releasing since we left Gateway to Heaven, the hand she clings to like a lifeline as if she's afraid I'll float away and never come back… like _her_.

And maybe I will.

But right now I'm being maneuvered through a doorway and sat down on a deck chair with the two people who have become such an essential part of my life.

And there he sits beside me. His legs lightly dangle from the chair he's seated in while he eats the fruit snacks from the bag in his hands. He's so enthralled in those tiny, sugary pieces, delightedly grabbing each one, investigating what it looks like from all angles before happily popping them into his mouth and chewing animatedly.

His innocence is so peaceful and grounding for a moment. He is still so himself. He can still revel in the simplest of life's offerings and cherish each of them inside his heart without it ever feeling too full. He offers me the smallest sliver of hope, for just a second. Like maybe I can regain that optimism and curiosity for the world again.

But then, the tethers start pulling me back again.

"Emmett, can you say hello to Chloe and Beca?" It's Stacie.

He finally looks up, as if realizing we had joined their quiet moment for the first time. He notices Beca, saying hello, before turning to me. He lingers his gaze on mine, staring with impossibly inquisitive eyes.

"You look really sad, Auntie Chloe."

My stomach drops and my heart twists in pain. A three year old and he analyzes me like I am just one of his fruit snacks. Looking into my soul from all angles and understanding too much, too soon. Recognizing the grief derailing me all at once. Realizing each thing lost before it was even there...

 _"Bree, I want to have a baby."_

 _Hunched shoulders snap upwards and rapid hands writing halt before Aubrey's disheveled form turns in her desk chair, away from her work, looking at me in astonishment._

 _"Wha- I- Huh?"_

 _I attempt to keep my face stoic, however, the melodramatic look Aubrey shows breaks my demeanor and repressed giggles fill the silence between us. This only leads her to greater confusion and my small giggles transform into a boisterous laugh at the dumbfounded face she's giving me._

 _It takes a few tries, but my amusement finally subsides enough to fully look at her again._

 _"Are you on drugs?"_

 _I walk towards her, gingerly wrapping my hands around her cheeks. The frown lines once expressed all over her face, vanish in an instant upon my touch. Her eyes flutter closed as I run my fingers along her skin and the overwhelming amount of love I feel for her envelopes each of my thoughts._

 _"Noooo." I drag out the word to emphasize my entertainment. "I said I want to have a baby. With you."_

 _Green eyes open and strong arms engulf my waste, anchoring me down into her._

 _"What's got you thinking like that?" There is no frustration in her voice, simply curiosity laced with something else. Something I can't quite figure out._

 _"To be honest? Emmett and Stacie."_

 _"What do mean?"_

 _"We're always over there or they're over here and I love having him around. Stacie always says he's the best thing that's ever happened to her. And I've always wanted a family. The kids, the house," a smirk falls on my face and I nuzzle my face into hers, "the sexy doctor wife."_

 _She breaks into an infectious grin, before peppering my face with kisses. They feel light. Tender. Safe. I love this side of her. The affectionate Aubrey. The girl who does everything to make me feel like the most loved person in this world. But before I can settle too comfortably, she's pulling her gentle lips away._

 _"As much as I love you, there's some serious flaws in those plans, Bug. I am not a doctor just yet and we are also not married."_

 _The smile never leaves her face, as if she's not taking her own words too seriously, like what I want is the only thing that makes her truly happy, like she'll settle for anything as long as I say the words. That's always been the type of love that she makes me feel, that I'm the most important part of her life. With that comes a feeling so consuming that all I can do is hold my breath to prolong the moment that is our life together, never wishing to exhale, to let go of what we share._

 _"I want nothing more than to see as many mini redheads running around as possible."_

 _It's all it takes to make my heart swell two sizes too big and for the light smile painting my expression to grow into a face-numbing grin._

 _"Yeah?"_

 _Her arms tighten around me, provoking me to fall into her more wholly. It feels so literal and emotional, as if she's daring me to fall in love with her further than I already do._

 _"Of course. The world needs copious amounts of you in any forms it can get." There she is, charming her way into every corner of my heart, pushing those feelings inside me again._

 _"What? No blonde beauties in that mix?" Her grin transforms into a bashful smile at my words, her gaze finally pulling away from me as she searches for a proper response._

 _When her eyes meet mine again, there's a look much more sensual fixated on me._

 _"Only if you ask nicely."_

 _That's all it takes for my lips to crash into hers with a fiery mix of passion meets love meets something meets everything. I am overwhelmed in her and nothing will dim the flames igniting my soul one touch at a time._

"Dude don't talk with your mouth full. It's gross."

And there's Beca trying to relieve me from my own bubbling demons. Trying to stop me from annihilating my heart with an assault of memories I can't run away from. Trying to pretend everything is normal. Because that was the conversation we all had before the wake.

 _Keep things normal._ For Emmett.

But it's not normal.

And he's right: _I'm sad_.

Nothing relieves me from this sorrow. Everything reminds me of her. Everything is _her._ The onslaught of thoughts are unrelenting and I want to beg to breath for even just a second. But there's no air left. All the oxygen has expelled itself from my body and in it's place a dark matter that latches onto each cell inside me until I'm surrounded by it.

It's killing me.

I'm dying inside.

There's talking happening around me. I see the movement of lips and the sounds of words, but I'm underwater. I'm drowning, going deeper and deeper towards the ocean floor until I'm swallowed and eaten alive by the pain.

"Chloe?"

The city underneath has been diminished to rubble. The intimacy of it's history, it's influences, it's people destroyed by a raid of bystanders passing. They understand nothing of what they ruined; the prospect of knowing even the smallest of secrets was enough to reduce the beauty of this place to simple words. Just like they minimized her to small eulogies and fragmented pieces of a person who was once whole, who was my home.

"Chloe?!"

And there's that damn leash, making an effort to pull be back to the real world. The leash with those sad blue eyes staring at me with a silent plea, begging me to do something, to say something. Because her pain in swallowing her underwater, too. But she remembered to wear a life jacket. So she's fighting for what's above the surface, fighting to breath again.

She lost a sister. I don't think Beca ever expected to call _her_ that. Family. They both were limited on what that word actually meant. Broken families with never ending conflicts and no true resolutions. Just constant discourse of love and hate mashed together so messily, it was Jackson Pollock coming off the canvas to life.

But then all those years ago, Beca stood tall among the rest, cheering us on as we walked to receive our certificates to freedom. And as she rushed the field to congratulate me, to congratulate _her_ , there emerged the answer to their shattered families...

" _Chloe! Aubrey! Guys!"_

 _Brown hair and excited blue eyes rush into my line of sight before warm arms surround me in a tight embrace._

" _Holy shit I am so proud of you." I can feel her words vibrate against me as sharp inhales of breath steady her rapidly beating heart. I imagine it's from all the running. Beca was always keen on skipping cardio with Fat Amy during Bella's rehearsals._

" _Becs, it's not that big of a-"_

" _Not that big of a deal? You almost failed Russian Lit, babe. Be proud of your accomplishments." But there's Aubrey, casting a shining light on my thick layer of modesty to reveal the transparency of my futile arguments underneath. I want to reason with them, but I know it's no use._

" _Just shut up and let me be proud that my best friend graduated college. You know my hugs don't come often." And those are the words that resonate with me. Beca's right. This side of her, while exposing itself more often these days, still rarely makes an appearance so publicly. Now that we're graduating, maybe they won't be making an appearance at all after this._

 _So I stay quiet and hold her back, I revel in the warmth of her body against mine, the intensity of the unspoken emotion reverberating between us._

" _Beca? Are you going to introduce me to your friends?"_

 _But then it's gone in an instant. She's pulling away from me, turning to the woman grabbing her attention._

" _Oh. Right, right. Mom, this is Chloe and Aubrey."_

 _When my I turn my attention to the woman Beca is ushering closer to us, I hold back my astonishment at how much she looks like Beca: bright blue eyes, wavy brown hair, short and slender frame. How could any man ever turn their back on either of these women? Their sheer beauty has been enough to have men clamouring for Beca left and right, and maybe even a few women. And now, seeing her mother, I can only imagine the same._

" _It's wonderful to meet you, Mrs…?" Aubrey and that cordial behavior of hers. If only everyone knew how unlady-like she could be._

" _It's technically Ms. Evans. But you can call me Julie. Labels make me sound like an uptight asshole or something. We're all adults." Beca really is a spitting image of her mother._

" _Aubrey!"_

" _Papa!"_

 _And there's Mr. Posen, engulfing Aubrey into a caring embrace, lifting her off the ground and twirling her with pride._

 _At first glance, he's over six feet tall and his years of military training have awarded him a body built to withstand any blow or impact with ease. When I first met him at a Posen family dinner, I had never been so intimidated to impress a stranger before in my life. Even the judges at Bella's competitions didn't scare me into hard work the way one look from this man would give me._

 _But then, when Aubrey introduced him to me, his hardened exterior melted away and the compassionate eyes and kind smile that surfaced told me everything I needed to know about him._

 _He had pulled me aside into his study, poured both of us a glass of his finest whiskey and revealed the true man he is to me. He explained how after Aubrey's mom had passed away years ago, he took on both roles as mother and father. That he'd do anything to protect his little girl. He'd do anything to make her happy and he'd welcome anyone with open arms who did the same for her._

" _Now where's my hug?" He'd become a second father to me._

" _Long overdue, that's for sure Mr. P." I envelop his waist with my arms as his hands settle gently on my head._

" _Chloe, how many times have I told you? Call me Ben. You've been family for years." When he pulls away, I see the pride in his eyes shining down on me. It's a feeling I didn't realize I needed in my life: Mr. Posen's gratification. That I did something praiseworthy. That I've made something of myself._

" _Now who are these lovely women." He's turning away, giving Beca and her mom his full attention._

" _Papa, this is Beca Mitchell, one of the Bellas. And this is her mom, Julie Evans." Aubrey and that cordial behavior of hers again. He shakes both of their hands firmly, though he lingers on Julie's embrace just a little bit longer._

" _Evans?"_

" _I'm divorced." Her voice contains no malice. Instead, a smirk that could rival Beca's is plastered on her face. It's almost a mirror image of the girl's typical expression._

" _Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." He doesn't sound very sorry._

" _Don't be, I've been loving the single life for years." And there's where Beca's ineffable charm comes from._

" _I'd agree it has it's perks."_

 _They've been captured in each other's gaze this whole time. It's endearing to watch the two banter, discovering new potential before it's really ever even begun._

 _When I tear my own eyes away, I can see Aubrey with an uncomfortable smile, clearly trying to suppress just how weird this whole interaction is for her. Beca, on the other hand, is more obvious, sporting a clear look of sheer disgust at the prospect that her own mother would be blatantly flirting with Aubrey's father of all people._

" _Well, it's a pleasure to meet you both. We're going out to dinner at Jeu Te Veux to celebrate, would you two care to join us? My treat." Mr. Posen's looking at Julie so intently. It's no wonder this is where the allure Aubrey has comes from, that ability to make you feel like you are the number one priority in their life._

 _A look of panic hits both Aubrey's and Beca's faces at once and I have to all but smother my hand into my mouth to stop the rush of laughter that's trying to make itself heard fall from my lips._

" _Of course. That sounds wonderful."_

" _Well then, I'll see you there Ms. Julie Evans."_

 _This can only end in the best ways imaginable._

It did.

That was all it took.

Their families became one and the resistance from both Beca and _her_ was like two likesided magnets trying to repel one another. But Beca's relationship with him became the father she never truly had. They liked the same beers, watched the same sports, and the amount of music those two listened to for hours at a time was something to marvel at. Soon Beca was spending every weekend on a new adventure with him and that was the necessary driving force for the pieces to align. For that forces to realize all they needed to do was flip one of the magnets and they'd fit together so snug they were made for one another.

"Chlo, you want me to grab you something to drink?"

And I was witness to all of that blossoming change. I was welcome to be apart of that unlikely family. Beca has a father, now. She has a… _Had_ a sister.

Beca lost the one thing that she needed most in this world. A family.

There's a tiny pang in my heart telling me to answer her, to provide her with some sort of comfort, to persuade her into knowing that everything will be alright. That she never has to lose anyone again. That she still has that family.

But the walls have been built and the doors have been locked and the windows have been shattered and sealed and so I stay silent. I keep on staring and I keep on pushing myself farther within my own mind.

Because Beca wasn't the only one that lost family. I did too. I lost the family I never got the chance to start. I lost the life I was supposed to live with _her_ forever. And in it's place all I have is that freshly laid soil, those godforsaken five letters, and a house that once used to be a home. A house I refuse to ever go back to. Not without _her_. Not without the promises that the family we once hoped to build together might still be a possibility... But losing _her_ was never supposed to be a possibility.


End file.
